I hope mine doesn't look like that
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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