you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
