He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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