Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
