when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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