I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
