Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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