I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
