Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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