Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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