I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
