Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
i think my cat just said my name.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
