Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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