I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
