I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
