I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
