I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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