Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
