we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
