it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
