So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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