i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize