Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
