after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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