I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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