i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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