the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
