Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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