the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
