textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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