I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
