hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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