dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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