I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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