3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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