i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I could fuck to npr.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
