My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I have surprise drugs for everyone
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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