so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize