hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
