I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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