im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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