i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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