Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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