a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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