I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
