Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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