ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
