Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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