i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
