the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
True strength comes from lack of pants
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
