Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my shit smells like andre
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
