this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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