who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
