just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I need a beard to bite.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
