Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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