It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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