I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Are we still banned from the library?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
